Hand Shakes

When someone extends their hand, it is customary to reach out and shake it. It’s the way we say hello across many cultures. It seems odd then if someone were to refuse a handshake.  To those who are in constant physical contact via handshakes, hugs, etc., it can even be somewhat offensive.

Friends of mine often ask me: “Is it really true that Jewish men don’t shake hands?” After I explain to them that orthodox Jews are not hygiene-phobic nor are they sensory defensive (well they might be, but generally this is not the case), I explain that they are just opposite-gender phobic (well, OK, not really….sorry about the sarcasm). I then get the next question: Why does Mr. Goldberg shake hands, but not Mr. Friedman? This came about the other day with a close friend of mine and so I thought I’d make it simple for her.

I told her that it’s all in the “head” and she should remember the following rules:

If you are a woman approaching a Jewish man (and I will save the man approaching the woman for another blog), look at his head:

1) If he has nothing on his head, you can shake his hand;

2) If he has a satin or decorated kippah on his head (he has probably forgotten to take it off from cousin Jake’s bar mitzvah at the Temple), you can shake his hand and give him a big hug;

3) If he has a knitted kippah of any size, wait to see if he extends his hand and if so, you can shake it;

4) If he is wearing a black velvet or felt kippah, DO NOT shake his hand and

5) If he is wearing a felt black kippah and/or black hat, white shirt, black pants, take 4 steps backward. He may have already placed himself behind a boulder-sized piece of furniture to avoid any possible contact in the first place.

6) If you extend your hand and he says, “I have a cold and I don’t shake hands,” he is politely trying not to embarrass you.

7) If you accidentally shake his hand, he may a) shake yours, b) freeze with a panic-look on his face or c) explain that he does not shake hands.  Do not take offense. He is simply dumbfounded and does not know what to do. His combat training has not prepared him for this. But, you can help him out. Ignore any weird grimaces and simply continue on with the conversation.

Remember, he is part of a religious “troop” who follow strict rules to maintain marital purity where the separation of opposite sex actually promotes sensitivity and respect. In today’s day and time, you may even find it refreshing. Chivalry does exist even if it’s in a bit of an altered form. Remember, it is not that he does not respect you. He actually does. And here’s the icing on the cake: you will walk away germ free as well as safe from any physical assault in his presence.