Shidduch Diaries
Ok. I admit it. I’m out of my league. I’m lost. My son is
dating and he is dating in the Orthodox Jewish world. There are apparently a
lot of dating rules. But they don’t seem to exactly be consistent and many of
them seem to be inherent to the FFBs (frum from birth, aka observant since
birth) and not the BT (baal teshuvas, aka runaway secular Jews, I mean those
returning to Torah and mitzvot observance).
Anyway, there must be a handbook somewhere.
Somehow when we signed up for We Will Obsessively Observe 613 Commandments, we were not given
this Finding a Shidduch for Dummies
handbook. The rules also honestly seem to be financially driven in a world with
very little financial stability. For example, boys are encouraged to learn in a
yeshiva at least for the first 2 years of marriage (after 5-6 years post high
school learning) and find a girl who wants to work. Yet the girls’ families
seem to want their daughters to find a boy to support her. Something is amiss. Honestly,
this system is not as simple as I thought it would be. I was thinking: educate
son, eliminate girls, introduce girls and voila! Well actually I knew it
wouldn’t be so simple and I’ve been scratching my head through the whole thing.
I think it worked well when our ancestors lived in shtetels and everyone knew
each other, but in 2015 with our techno ways, something seems lost. And funny thing is many of the girls I talk to don’t
think it works that well either. One of them, as I asked her about her friend,
said to me, “Yeh, you’re not going to find out much from that piece of paper in
front of you.” It’s like everyone knows the system doesn’t work that well, but
somehow we’re just stuck in it.
Anyway, each girl comes with a resume, or as I like to call
them “applications.” They look something like this:
Name: Bracha Chana Leibowitz
Education:
High School: Beis Yaakov School For Girls
Seminary: Bais Yaakov Israel
Work: Pre-school assistant teacher at Bais Yaakov Pre School
Parents:
Reuven: Works at the kosher food market
Sarah: Secretary at Bais Yaakov for Girls
References:
Gitty Yehudis Shmuelivitz: best friend from Seminary
Chana Leah Goldberger: best friend from high school
Rachel Bracha Mermelstein: family friend
Shoshanna Shira Cohen: aunt and close family relative
Statement: I am looking for a ben-torah who will support our
family and who is kind, dedicated to learning and davening and has a close
relationship with his rebbe (apparently it’s inevitable that he is going to
need some counseling)
Now the boys also have resumes. I really tried to fix my son's up.
In fact, I think all these resumes could use a little sprucing up, especially
with the statement part. My suggestion was this:
Really funny, handsome guy looking for fun, loving energetic
girl to organize my life, laugh at my jokes and ride bikes with me. Must be
cute, adorable and smell nice.
“Mom!!!!!”
“What?” How is anyone going to know what you’re like with
something boring like ‘Ben Torah looking for frum girl?’ You can at least tell
them you’re artistic.”
“But I’m not artistic.”
“Yes you are. Don’t you remember the horses you drew in the 3rd grade on the
sidewalk by tracing your foot?”
Anyway, Now from this bit of information, I’m supposed to
decide whether my son should go out on a date that may or may not lead up to
marriage.
How do I know if her father served time in jail? Or what if
her 11th brother fell off the “derech” (path). And, did you hear
about the girl who married the boy and then she left him after one week?
Initially I was of
the opinion that unless she has daggers coming out of her head, he should go
out, meet her and decide for himself. But that is not the social norm. He explained
that we need to call the references before he goes out. That is how it is done.
“Mom, you’re supposed to call references. And, don’t just
ask normal questions, ask questions like “how does she dress?” “Who are her
friends?” “What does she like to do?”
“And, don’t just take the answers, listen between the lines.”
What am I? A private investigator?
So, I suck it up and start calling the references and here
is how most conversation go:
Brrring….
“Hello?”
“Hello. Hi I’m calling to inquire about Bracha Rachel
Nechama Smulevitz. “
“Who?”
“Um, I think you’re listed as a reference for Bracha Rachel Nechama
Smulevitz.”
“Oh, yes. So what do you want to know?”
“Well, maybe you can just tell me a little bit about her.”
“Well, I’m not exactly sure what you want to know (does she
not know she’s listed as a reference on a resume?).
“Maybe you can tell me a bit about her family or what she
likes to do?”
“Oh. She comes from a
phenomenal family. They are just amazing people. I mean I just don’t know what
else to tell you. She’s smart, beautiful, kind, and a real go-getter. You’re
son would be wise to go out with her.”
“Wow. She sounds really amazing.”
“Yes. I really can’t think of anything negative to tell
you.”
“What does she like to do?”
“She loves helping people and doing chesed.”
“Well, that sounds great.
Thank you for being so upfront.”
“Sure. Anytime.”
Brrrring.
“Hey, Lev”
“Hey Mom.”
“Well, I checked out the references and she sounds like a gem. She’s cute,
pretty and smart.”
“What else?”
“What else is there to know?”
“Mom, I’m not sure you’re doing this right.”
“Yeh, well me neither. Have a great date. Let me know how it
works out for you.”
“Oh and Mom. Tell Aba he’s not supposed to Google her and
show me photos from LinkedIn or Facebook.”
Well, you don’t have to worry there. She doesn’t have an account. We already checked.
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